3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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