Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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