i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
