I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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