??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
