:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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