Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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