After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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