I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
