I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
