Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
