I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
