i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
