OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
