it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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