Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
