If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize