the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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