I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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