i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
