Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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