I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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