Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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