I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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