omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
