I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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