just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
