my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I think i got beer on your cat.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
