I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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