Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
