Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
