i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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