i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize