Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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