Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
