Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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