'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
