Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
