I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize