Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
