Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
