hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize