tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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