you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
