I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
