Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
