You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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