the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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