i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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