forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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