Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Sober January is a disaster.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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