Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
