Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
