hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
