last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
