before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You ruined the universe
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
