Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
