ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
