maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
