GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
