Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
