He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
