How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
