I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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