god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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