Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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