DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
